mustn't
You cannot stop,
must
You have to keep running,
Untill your brain cannot think anymore,
Untill your eyes cannot see anything before you,
Untill you hear your lungs scream out for air,
Untill you cannot feel your legs, and your heart stops beating.
must
You have to keep running,
Untill you only move forward by inertia,
Untill your body stops functioning, and you are as good as death.
But you still have to run.
The moment you collapse / the moment you hit the ground.
Your desire will be heard / your wish will be granted.
If that was the case, then all I have to do was stop right? With that thought, he felt like giving up right at the moment.
"If you stop right now, you are nothing but a quitter. You cannot stop, you know that too well."
"Argh just.....shut up....and save....my....energy."
"Just strengthen your resolve, that's all. Oh look, you're almost there. Come on, just few more meters."
That just made no sense, why do I have to run when I'm no longer alive? If I'm death, then why do a dead men need to run? I do not get it at all.
Kept on thinking like that, he passed the finish line.
"And........finish.........Jesus Christ." He spoke with heavy pants out of his mouth.
As a regular routine, at 4.30 pm every day, he started his training. He couldn't remember exactly when this became a habit, or what kept him maintain it for such a long time. The only thing he knew was that one day, he had a feeling that he had to run, run as long and far as he could. And that was how his suffering as he is now started.
The route he took was not very crowded since the area he's living in was only suburban. He chose the lake that was about 1 km from his house to train. At first, he could only make it 2 rounds around the lake, which was roughly 2 km, and he felt like almost dead. But he did not give up, instead he even tried harder, pushing his body to its limit, only to claim what he thought was his wish. Like a fool trying to reach for a star.
"Why do you have to push yourself so much like that? You know that it's good for nothing right?" The soul started the conversation after seeing him regain a bit of his strength.
"Yeah I know, but it's a promise I made with myself. I cannot stray from that. And beside, I don't really care if that wish of mine will ever come true, as long as it gives me purpose, I will still chasing it for the rest of my life."
Purpose. That word had troubled him for so long. He had been questioning himself for so long for the purpose of his life. The reason for his existence in this world.
It was despair he felt.
It was emptiness filled his heart.
Why am I here? / Why was I born?
Why am I so useless? / What do I good for?
If I am good for nothing, then my existence is nothing but a mistake, isn't it?
Then if it was a mistake, there was only one way to correct it.
Erased it.
He decided to erase his faulty existence from this world.
Yes, it was wrong from the start for me to be here in this world.
The moment he took his foot from the top of the building, he heard the voice. He heard his soul.
The soul gave him the answer/purpose,
The soul gave him the reason to move on.
"Now that you recall it, it was I who save your ass from your insanity so don't waste my effort by dying from exhaustion ok?" The voice continue.
"Right right, I was a fool that time and you pulled me out from the bottom less pit. My gratitude goes to you, but you do remember that you was the one who gave me the star to reach to right?" It sounded like a blame.
"Hey now, it was the concept that I gave you, you raised it into what it is now. It was all your choice right? Man up and take responsible for yourself." The soul scold him lightly.
He knew the soul was right.He chose to do it this way, he decided to become the image he had in mind.
The image of a lone man.
A man standing between ruins and fire.
A man blindly chasing his ideal.
"Hello, snap out of it okay? spend your time to fantasy about it later okay?" The voice pull him back to reality. It's not good to think too much about the desire, especially his desire. He remembered being told that by his soul.
It's been 2 months since he started to make contact with his soul. He's been introduced to lots of things, and understand very little. But he knew that the soul is an agent that's sent to a body to perform its role - consulting role. Moreover, the soul told him one interesting thing, maybe the most interesting thing so far.
"About that wish thing, do you really think I can have mine come true?" he asked.
"It's not mine to decided, my role is just observe and consult you. I was the one to tell you about the wish, but I do not have the power to grant it though."
"So who, or what can?"
"Our creator of course, isn't it obvious?" the soul answered as if it was something so trivial.
Obvious? how could such thing be obvious?
"So you're here just to observe and consult me in my course of action, the decision will be made by, some kind of higher order, am I right? Man are you that useless-"
Not even finished his question, he could feel the word "useless" is WRONGLY placed, very wrongly.
"Oops sorry, it's just that there are many things you said and my stupidity makes me unable to deal with them." Quickly rephrase the sentence, he made a just apology for calling his sensitive soul useless.
"Hm you'd better be." The two kept on talking while walking around the lake another round to cool down.
Suddenly, he stopped. He was stunned by what his eyes showed him.
"!!" quickly he looked at his hands. They were normal, normal hands with 5 fingers each. This was not a dream.
Then who/what was that?
"I can't believe this." The soul mumble as if he's seeing a ghost.
More than a ghost, it's a figure of a girl who were not suppose to be seen in this world.
The sun made her hair shine like gold.
The girl standing there, with her hand hold in front of her chest, as if praying.
The girl they thought would never exist.
The girl appeared in Kai's dream. And she must only be in his mind.
But there she was, in front of him/them.
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