I'M NOT DEAD

Writting is so god damn hard, okay?

I've been struggling for the last 2 years, with a (not that much) brilliant idea in mind, and then trying to convert it into a state-of-art piece of literature. But not to my surprise, they all turned to absolute shit like a ten years old kid's scribble. Guess that's what you get when you think you can do everything in one try, Am I disappointed? Can't say I'm not, but I totally expect that. Then you may ask why are you trying when you know you're going to fail miserably? I dunno either, just want to do something to kill time, and look busy while doing it, so I choose writing. 

So what now? As you can see, both of my project have been halted, for an unknown amout of time. I think the only way that those two can continue to go on is for me to be creative again, which is highly unlikely. I'm not dead, but my imagination did, as well as my hopes and dreams, and blah blah blah. 

No seriously, if it goes on like this, I might even think about killing myself. This depression stuff is really wearing me off days by days. I can hardly talk normally to my family, and always tired just from socialising with people at work. I'm old enough to take care of myself, but the thought of going to a psychiatrist scare me. I'm afraid of letting people know my secret, of my weakness. I don't like talking to a total stranger who pretends to listen while not giving a single fuck, and it's costly as hell too. May as well stay like this until I find a solution for myself.

I should get myself together, but I don't know why. I may need help, but I dout anyone could help me at this point. 

II. When weird people met

They say that there is no such thing as perfection.

Until she came around. She showed him what it means to be perfect.

A perfect void.

She said it was “total emptiness”, or so he thought.

- I was born like this, I think. I tried to learn everything by myself, my parents weren’t very fond of me and most of the time, it was my grandmother who looked after me. Truthfully speaking, I didn’t like the times when I had to be with my parents, it was pretty tense. They kept on pestering me about going to a boarding school for kids like me, but of course, I didn’t like the idea one bit, so I fought back. I was 5 back then, if I remember correctly. 

- That sounds tough. So were they able to make you go?

- Who do you think I am? There is no way I would be kick out of my town. I know that I was a burden to them, so I just stay away as much as possible from them. Then a wonderful thing happened, as a reward for my hard work.

- You could see?

- No, are you stupid? My brother was born when I was 6. Since then, my parents spent all the time with him, as they finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. To them, he was their only child. And I was grateful for that, really. I didn’t have to suffer the suffocating atmosphere whenever they were around. Even though I could feel that they’re still irritated since they had to raise me as their duty of being parents. So I tried my best to live alone as soon as I could.

- That sounds impossible.

- Well, it’s in the nature for human to adapt with the situation. For you to be blind right now, you may think that it is impossible. But I was born blind, so I get used to it and make it through. You could say that I “see” things in my own way. Or a super power.

- That’s how it works for you I guess. But about your grandmother, how was her reaction to your situation? Judging on how you tell your story, I could only tell she’s no more than a scarecrow. No offense.

- Yeah, grandma is kind, but being kind is also mean being weak. She tried to talk to my parents many times, but all she received was cold sighs and cliché like they’re doing favor by letting both of us stay in the house. Well it was to be expected to me though, but somehow grandma was troubled by it. That was when I told her about moving out. And grandma agreed to go with me.

- That didn’t sound like living alone to me. Apparently you lived with your grandma.

-But not for long. We lived a few years together. She died when I was 12, or 13? I didn’t remember exactly but around that time. It was a traffic accident.

- It seems like your life is nothing but a chain of misery. If I could feel bad, I totally would.

- Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Remember why I told you we are somehow similar? That’s because I couldn’t feel sad. When I was told about my grandma death, it wasn’t sadness that I felt, it was fatigue.It was like my body being stretched out after a long marathon, then suddenly stop. I couldn’t think of anything, so I just collapsed on the floor. The landlady thought that I was shocked upon hearing the news, but I was just... tired. Probably that was my way of feeling sad.

- You too are weird you know. At least you should be crying, even I know that much.

- Thanks, I don’t want to hear that from you.

- So after that, you lived alone from then on? Did your parents ever come?

- No, but they did me a favor by not showing up anymore. Before that, they often came to our place and discussed something with my grandma. I didn’t know exactly what they was talking about, but I guess it was about the financial support. They gave grandma a large sum of money, said it was the money for my education and such. He was a father after all.

- And that was your last time you hear from them?

- Indeed. The landlady was also very nice. She knew about my situation so she let me stay at her apartment, and the rent is really flexible, since I insisted on paying.  It’s like she took me in and make me her daughter. That makes me somewhat happy. I have never known what it’s like to have a mother. Oh just to be clear, grandma told me that my mom died giving birth to me, and my dad remarried to another woman, who gave him a son. The current one is my step mother.

- I see...

- Is that it?

- What?

- After hearing my tragic story, all you can come up with is “I see”, are you for real? At least pretend to be sympathize will you?

- Why should I pretend? Aren’t you the same with me?

The girl, with a smile on her face, keep on talking while tears keeps on dripping from her pitch black eyes. The guy, sitting next to her show no emotion, just like a living doll.

They are familiar with how other person goes. Probably what you call soul mates. She has no need for a comfort, she just wants someone to listen, someone to be there, and see her cry. That’s all there is to their relationship. A seeker, and a hollow.

----------

The blind girl was talking a stroll in the park, she sensed a strange person sitting at the bench. That person didn’t gave off any senses like others, it was more like she was standing in front of a deep dark hole, with no sign of life.

The guy, noticing the girl standing in front of him, looked up, just to see that her eyes weren’t looking at him. Or rather, those eyes weren’t looking at anything.

- Is there a problem?

He asked, didn’t like being “looked at” like that.

- You... You are empty.

- I’m sorry?

Obviously the guy was trouble by that out-of-nowhere statement. The girl, on the other hand, failed to notice his expression, sitting down next to him.

- Ah no, would you mind if I sit here?

She asked, already sat down.

- Do you have business with me?

He asked, looking at her cane. She must be blind, he guessed, since the way her eyes look was just too...blank.

- Can a girl just take a sit when she is tired? Or is this sit taken?

- Errrr no it’s not taken, but...

- Oh, then I must be troubling you. Sorry for my rudeness.

She said, making her way to stand up. Her hand touched the cane and made it fall to the ground. Looking at how she flailed her hand in search for it, he let out a sigh.

- It’s okay, you don’t have to leave. I was just surprised, that’s all.

- I see, even you can say such things like “surprise”.

The girl kept saying strange thing, half of which he couldn’t understand, the other half seemed to annoy him.

- Do I know you miss? Because you keep talking as if you have known me before.

- I believe this is our first time meeting.

Then why do you keep acting all so familiar? That question was written all over his face.

They just sat there, said nothing more to each other. He took a peek at the one next to him. A real beauty, he admitted to himself. Long black hair, small shape of face, slender body. But thinking it wouldn’t be nice to stare at a blind girl like that, he turned his head away.

- People always say that Iam really beautiful, but I think they’re just flatter for a blind lass. As for me, I can’t tell what beauty is.

She suddenly spoke, which startled him a bit. He knew he should say something too, even though he didn’t want to.

- Do you ever want to find out?

- I have no need. Besides, isn’t that better to not know? I mean if I’m actually ugly, then it would shatter the image of a beauty me I have in mind for all that time.

- You choose to lie to yourself.

He spoke coldly.

- You’re pretty straight forward aren’t you? I prefer the word “delusion” more.

- Whatever, you always talk to strangers like that?

- Nope, I choose the one I will talk to. So that I can make sure I will never lost interest.

What a weird girl. Cute, but weird as hell. Now that they were talking, he happened to take a look at her eyes. Since she was blind, her eyes were just for show, he thought. But they were very alluring to some extents. Her dark sparkling eyes with gave off the feeling of infinity, as if you were gazing into the night sky, without any signs of stars.

- How did you become blind?

He asked, not once hesitate. That was unnecessary for him after all.

- Seriously, you ask a blind girl whom you meet for the first time why was she blind? You sure are not delicate at all.

- That’s how I keep my interest in the conversation. It’s fine, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m not really care anyway.

- Then I won’t. Not for now, I think.

- That’s so.

A few more seconds passed in silence.

- How does it feel? 

The girl suddenly spoke again, while preparing to leave.

- Huh?                                                                                                     

There’s no way he could cope with that out-of-no-where question.

- You know, like when your life doesn’t seem real at all, and you’re just floating around, on your own?

What now?

- Umm... I don’t quite understand your point.

- You don’t understand, or do you keep yourself from understanding? Either ways, I guess the only one who knows is you right?

Just who was this girl? Why did she bring up this?

- Sorry but I don’t feel comfortable to continue talking like this.

As he was about to stand up and leave, she continued:

- Don’t worry, from this point on, you are not alone anymore.

With that, she put a smile on her face, a kind of smile that made you feel peaceful to the core.

But he’d already walked away, without looking back.

Still sitting there at the bench, the girl turned her head up, as if looking at the sky.

You find no reason to live, yet you have no courage to end your meaningless life. You hold no meanings, but you yearn for it. You want to be filled. That’s what you call a hollow.

<< Previous chap

Chapter 18: Beginning of the end

It was a very long time ago, older than the ancients.

Legend had it this world was formed by the will of divine spirits.

“They” were incarnation of god themselves.

From nothingness,

From total darkness,

“They” came together, and became one.

The world.

Just like that, the world we’re living in came into existence.

How fragile it is, yet full of mystery.

We have tried to catch a glimpse of the creators, but what we’ve known is nothing more than a grain of sand, at the bottom of the ocean.

What kind of will do they hold, when creating “those”?

What do they think of us, when trying to erase us after making us?

We’re far too ignorant.

We know nothing, of our creation, of our destruction.       

---------

Year xxx, 15^th generation. April 21^st, North division.

The Nohigu of this generation carried spirit of flame, Ignitia. The crash was recorded at the location of a forest, to the west of X city, the world of the powerless.

The Nohigu was classified as a B⁺ rank, not necessarily to be called a threat, but we still keep our caution and sent out number 7 and number 8: Bernard and Jinx.

Upon arriving at the scene, the numbers had picked up the trace of the Nohigu, and the pursuit took only a few hours. It lead to the prairie to the north of the forest. There they cornered the Nohigu to the foot of a mountain.

The Nohigu Ignitia, in the form of a young woman, aged around her 20s. According to Jinx’s report, her appearance was not much different than any average woman at that age, only her hair was easily recognized: it was glowing red. About her ability, she had enough power to burn down the whole forest in a second, if she wanted to. For a B⁺ rank, she must be very close to be grouped as an A rank.

The capturing process happened without hindrance, Iginitia didn’t put up much of a fight, which was questionable. Capture time: 23 minutes. Ignitia last word before being extract was what made my head spin:

“It was wrong from the start, to create us.”

What was the meaning behind those lines? Bernard described her voice at that time was “total despair”. But only after that he knew true despair.

The time was 23:12

We received a sudden request for assistance from Number 8, Jinx. She was in a state of total frantic, said that Bernard had been “evaporated” by another Nohigu appeared a few minutes after Ignitia capturing.

No, that thing can't be called a Nohigu. Even at this point I still can’t tell what it is.

The night was dark, but it was darker.

The air was cold, but couldn’t be compared to its coldness.

Its presence was overwhelming, but nothing could be felt from it.

Total emptiness.        

A void.

Bernard did his best to stall for time in order to help Jinx to get away and make contact. After hearing about the grave situation, we sent out our 4 best hunters. However, I still went with them myself to make sure no casualty would arise.

My cautiousness was all for naught.

The enemy couldn’t be called strong, but rather, it couldn’t be harmed.

Formless, lifeless. I couldn’t sense any killing intent from it, but from how I see it, it killed every traces of life on its way.

Number 1, 2 and 3 were “evaporated”, just like Jinx said. They dissolved in to the air without any traces as they came into contact with it.

As for number 4, I asked her to remain by my side. In case of emergency, her power would prove useful. At least, it was one time my judgment was right. Knowing that the enemy we were facing was an unknown existence, number 4 had recorded all the incident to her memory. I knew that this was not something we could handle by ourselves, I told number 4 to get to the main branch and show them what happened. All I could bet on was that my power was enough to stop that being from advancing to the civil area.

Space creation, or more like, space manipulation. One of the two mystic codes that I luckily inherited from my ancestors. Even if mine was nothing but a joke compared to them, this power still granted me enough respect among the Society. I never thought it would make use like this someday, when I was on the verge of being annihilated. 

All I could do was to temporary relocate ‘It’ to another space that I created. But even in a world that operated by my own law, I couldn’t stand a chance to its supremacy. It was simply chipping off my world, pieces by pieces. It had the ability to overwrite a mystic code, the absolute magic known by human. That thing was none other than the divine. My closed space barrier was nothing more than a sandbox to it. Even though it would be much simpler to get out of this space by killing me first, but it didn’t pay much interest on the small petty human in front of it. This fabricated world suited its taste more.

Thanks to that, I was able to buy enough time. 

Year xxx, 15^th generation. April 22^st, Main Branch.

01:14

They looked at each other, as if waiting for someone to raise their voice first. She knew they were hesitated. The word ‘fear’ was unknown to them, as they were unknown to this event. Number 4 had shown them her memory, what she saw on the field hours ago. With her convincing proof, and the fact that she was at that time the number 1, she had enough reason to have the head of five noble houses gather for an emergency meeting. The request was clear:

“This thing is getting out of hand, the hunters can no longer deal with it. Request for help from noble houses, we may even need to use all mystic codes we have.”

His voice was shaken, but determine. He knew that the message was more important than his life. The strongest fighting force of human were overpowered. 

“All mystic codes he said... Is it Armageddon already?”

Said the woman in a thick black coat. On her sleeves was a crest symbolizing her house, the golden shield of Dillion.

“But... consider it, my lords. Does it really need to use all of our codes? I mean looks like Yungen was holding out fine, so not all of us...”

A huge, round man who was still in his sleeping robe spoke. The sudden meeting didn’t give him enough time to change properly, so the only thing he could manage was his gloves. They call him Lord Lazy, or Lord Piggy. He was Strance from the house Maccoq.

“A coward as always, do you the have slightest idea of the situation you damn pig? Look at that thing, look at it. It ate our men just as easy as breathing. And Yungen is still out there fighting it alone, who knows what on earth could happen to him right now. My lords, the more time we spend chit chatting, the bigger the risk becomes. I suggest, no, I require we should go now.”

Regina Dillion was always a hot blooded warrior with a strong sense of responsibility and justice, Number 1 acknowledge her urge to help with a low bow. In fact, there was not many choices for them to make after all.

“I don’t oppose the idea going to help Yungen, but we cannot recklessly approach the enemy without knowing it first. Even from the data Number 1 has shown us, I still don’t know who or what is that thing, and our mystic codes... Even with that I’m not sure we can win.” Said the elder of house Tallius, well-known for their premonition. Bunch of “I can see the future” guys.

“Then what do you suggest we should do? Stay here and wait for that thing to come? Let Yungen die?”

  

“Please Regina, your impatient will only lead to the path of our doom. At this point, every single one of us is as precious as Yungen. Yes, we cannot afford to lose him, however, a counter measure for this formless enemy is questionable. With Yungen’s world, he can imprisoned it there for a while, but not for long.”

Another voice join the conversation. It belongs to lord Gerahdine, the master craftsman.

“And your point is?”                                             

 “That we’re running out of time, and options. Gerahdine was never good with his world. Say, Number 1, Yungen used his mystic codes, right?”

“I believed I had shown you everything I recorded, which included lord Yungen’s mystic code.”

                                                                                              

 Number 1 was confused, not because of the question, but of the man who asked.

 “Not that, I mean the other one. We all know about this space manipulation, but for the other, no one knows. So did he use it? Or did he not? I can’t give my decision without knowing this.”   

“You are making this harder than it should be, Blackhart. Now is not the time for personal grudge.”

“What? No, why would you say that old fart? If he didn’t use his second mystic code, then he would probably still be able to control the situation am I right? Then it’s not that grave of a danger. That’s what I thought.”

Blackhart smirked, while old Tallius just gave a sigh.

“So what now my lords, are we going or not?”  Again, asked the iron woman.

“Yes, and no.” Said lord Tallius.

“What do you mean?” All the people at the meeting hall were talking non-stop, the whispers, the guessings, all of them were putting more weight into the tense atmosphere of the discussion. It was the meeting of the heads of noble house, but it was held in the main hall of the main branch instead of the citadel, where all personnel gathered for this incident. They were allowed to witness the meeting, but not to raise opinion.  

“I mean we will go, but not all of us. It’s too risky to put all the eggs in one basket. Three of us will go, and the others will remain here, so even if we fail to defeat the enemy, the others will carry out the evacuation plan for the citizen.”

When he said evacuation, all sounds went unheard. If the front line battle plan failed to take down the enemy, there would be no hope.

“Fine, then who else want to come with me?”

Dillion claimed her first spot on the vanguard. But once again, lord Tallius turned her down.

“You will remain here Regina, we need your power to protect the people. And Gerahdine, your legendary craftsmanship is too valuable to be lost, not to mention you have the key to revelation. Therefore, you two will be the last hope of mankind if we should fail.”

The man with silver hair showed no sign of resisting the idea, but the golden shield warrior of course couldn’t accept the verdict. She was about to talk back, but when she looked at eyes of the wise man, she reluctantly stood down. With that said, those who would depart would be Blackhart, Maccoq (who was complaining all the time and wished to switch place with Dillion) and lord Tallius himself, with Yungen who was still fighting the enemy, made it four. Wasting no time, the three moved with haste to the inter-branch transport station. It would take roughly half an hour for them to arrive.

Or that’s what Tallius hoped for, that Yungen was still fighting. Had he used his second mystic code? That would untight the knot of this battle. After all, he was the only one who had ever possessed two mystic codes. That man himself was a threat, too. 

- End chapter 18 - 

Chapter 17