He, an absolute average person, about to starts his daily routine.
If you can imagine an old man in his 60 getting up in the morning, then you can imagine what he looks like right now. Slowly, forcefully, he pulls himself out to start his day. He prefers the cold weather of winter, but only for sleeping. This is a typical image of a young man, living without purpose, doing what he is told to do. Getting up, brushing his teeth, washing his face, eating breakfast, then going to work. He is one in a million, just like everybody else in his world. He used to question a lot, what he was going to do, what he wanted to do, but he lost track at some points, and stopped thinking. He keeps on doing the thing they say is best for him. Deep down inside, he has lots the will to fight “what people say”. -I’m too tired to question- he thinks, and he makes his living just like that. Works-eats-sleeps-works-eat-breaks. That’s how it goes. Nothing is going to happen to him, and he is not going to make anything happen. He has lost his interest in life. -If I have enough courage to die, I will end this in a matter second- the thought has crossed his mind several times.
Now you’ve just think that he’s just complaining too much, haven’t you? I have to agree, if I haven’t seen him in his workplace.
- How’s the day bro?
The man in blue shirt (from now on we’ll call him Blue) waves to his friend, who’ve just arrived.
- How do you thing? I stayed up late last night and now *yawn*... I think I’m about to collapse.
A guy with a green t-shirt tosses himself to the chair, then lies his head to the desk. He sure looks tired. (Let’s call him Green).
- Blue: What did you up to? Don’t tell me you’re still playing that game.
- Green: Man, it’s easy for you to say. Last night battle was too epic, it lasted for 1 and a half hour. Swear to God it was the longest game I’ve ever played. The enemy kept on pushing, and we defended our best. Then one moment, we wiped enemy team, all of them, but our team had only one survivor. That guy made a solo push and bam! We had a winner.
- Blue: You bet. Playing game is nice and all but dude, don’t let it interfere with your daily life, you haven’t been performing well at work recently.
- Green: Yeah I know, have to admit that it’s not good for my health though. But what can I do when the party only play at late night like that?
- Blue: Choose: your work or your game? There, any better?
-Green: Got it got it. Hey look, isn’t that ***.
He point to the direction of a girl walking in. She’s wearing a white dress and a red jacket.
- Blue: Morning Red (the name has been changed by author purpose), long time no see. How have you been?
- Red: 3 days are not long, and thank you, I’ve recovered. It was hell of a flu.
- Green: Are you sure you’re completely fine? I don’t want to catch a cold right now. – He backs away from Red.
- Red: Hey, am I a germ or something?
- Blue: Be more considerate will you? Sure you are fine, aren’t you? Don’t overexert yourself.
- Red: You see that? That’s how you supposed to act. And I’m ok now, thanks for your concern Blue. You should be more like him Green.
- Blue: Don’t scold him too much, he had a tough night, right Green? – He chuckles.
- Green: That sounds very misleading sir.
That’s how every day starts at his office, filled with friendly atmosphere, chit-chatting and so on. Can you tell who our character in that conversation is? Easy isn’t it? From the look, he seems to be a happy guy, easy going, always show a hospitable approach. Yes, the blue guy. We all have a mask, which we put on when we face others and take off when we are with someone we trust. But for him, he had no masks. He can change his “face” to whatever he want people to see, but not the one he wants to. He had long forgotten how his original “face” looks like, to the point that sometimes he thinks the one he has now is really him. He is empty. He can never feel what it is to be fulfilled. It’s okay, he thought, as long as I can put this up, nothing matter.
There was some points when he had forgotten how he originally was, and mistook his “face” for his origin. He was happy, truly happy when that thought take over him. Now I don’t have to look anymore, since this is the face that I’ve been looking for, he thought. But it turned out to be an illusion.
- Meet me at the gate when the class finish.
The girl said it to him. They’d been hanging out for a few months, but they didn’t look at each other as, you know, girlfriend boyfriend. But that day, he felt something different in her voice, and the way she turn away quickly when she said that. Back then, he had put on the face of “sociability”. He talked to everybody, laugh with everybody, but that was all there is to it. To him they were nothing but nuisance. Why do you all talk so much? Why do you all laugh so much? Why can you do this without feeling irritated? Aren’t you all the same to me? Or am I the odd one out? He hold up his front for the first year at high school, but couldn’t keep it up for the rest. He finished 3 years of high school without leaving any noticeable traits.
But she approached him, even when he tried to make himself invisible again. It was his second year at the university.
- You are a weird one aren’t you?
She said, with a playful look in her eyes. He normally sat at the first row table, in the corner so nobody could disturb his private space. People also didn’t like to sit too close to the lecturer so his kingdom was secured for the whole trimester.
- Sorry?
He replied, try to be as normal as possible.
- I mean, you used to be cheerful and friendly, but then, you just went all quite. It’s like you’re in another dimension, you know.
Those words confused him, as if she had known him for a long time.
- Sorry to say this, but do I know you?
He asked, no need to concern about other matters.
- Hah? It’s me, ****. I was your neighbor in high school, how can you NOT remember someone sat next to you for 3 years?
Aaah, so that how it was, he thought that. Well, if you can see how he act at high school, you can understand why he cannot remember walking pass a girl every day in 3 years.
- So it is.
Then he returned to his book. That was the first time they talked. He thought that if he kept acting like this, she would eventually leave him be. But he was wrong.
For the whole year, the girl took the seat next to him, even when he moved to another spot, she kept on following him, and talking to him. It was like the more he want to be invisible, the stronger her will to recognize him. Gradually, he lose to her persistence, and let her invade his sacred territory. He thought that she could be the one who would be able to help him find what he was looking for. He was able to feel what it call “happiness”, or so he thought.
- Remember, after class finish, at the gate. Don’t you dare make me wait!
It was the same mischievous look when she first came to him 2 years ago. They never changed.
He stood at the gate of the university, the winter air is cold and dry, like he used to be. But now, he might be able to touch the warmness for the first time, and that left a grin on his face.
- Sorry to make you wait.
The girl hastily ran to his place, her figure was so small, and yet so strong, he thought.
- Are you cold? Let’s go somewhere cozy, can’t talk in this weather.
Then she took his arm to the café around the corner. When they had settled down at a table, she brought out a small package from her bag. What was it? He wondered.
- Here, happy birthday.
She said, handing the gift to him. That taken him aback. How long had it been since he last celebrated his birthday? Or did he ever? He knew he should be happy, he knew he should be grateful, but what was it he was feeling at that moment? His eyes fixed to the gift, while the girl continued:
- Don’t open it here, wait till you get home. There’s something... more important... I want to tell you.
No. Please, not this. This is enough, he thought, while remaining his blank expression.
- The thing is... I... I...I LIKE YOU. PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME!
She said it out loud without realizing she had already stood up with her hands made a loud pound on the table. There wasn’t many people at the café at that moment, still some giggles could be heard. After 1 minutes, she realized the attention she had drawn and quickly sat down. Then she returned to the image of a shy girl, and cowered herself in the corner.
- The truth is...I had my eyes on you since the first year of high school. I didn’t know why, or what made you change at that time, but I felt like, I couldn’t leave you alone. And I had always watching you, but somehow, I couldn’t approach you. It felt as if there was an invisible wall around you. I knew that I should have done something, but all I did...was silently watching. I’m sorry.
She said sorry, for what? She didn’t have anything to do with his current state, then why, why did she feel sorry for him? Was that naturally for her to take responsibility for someone she cared about? Or was it only a courtesy of saying?
- But then, I was so glad that I met you here. I almost made the same mistake back then when I just sat from afar and observing your solitude. But I knew this was the right thing to do, talking to you. I think I had---
- I can’t...
He interrupted her.
I can’t take it anymore. Why do I feel so disgusted? Why do I feel so irritated? What should I do?
- Huh?
She tilted her head in question.
- I can’t... I just can’t.
- You can’t? What do you mean? I haven’t even finished yet.
Strangely, he felt so calm, even though there was a storm raging inside him.
- I don’t think I have the answer you’re looking for, at least for now.
That would be the best answer he could think of at the moment. On hearing this, the girl didn’t seem to flinch.
- I see, it’s a bit too sudden for you after all. Man, that’d be hell of a big step for us. Alright, just think about it ok? You don’t have to answer me now.
The girl said, try to make a faint smile on her face, but her voice sounded a bit shaken, he could feel it. It was to understand for a girl to have her first confession turned down. In fact, she was trying her best not to cry. He understood all of it.
But there was one thing he couldn’t understand at that time: his own emotion, to be precise, his own self.
He used to think that he was just unable to understand normal feeling, that’s all. However to feel such unbearable discomfort was totally new to him. If possible, he could erase his existence at the spot, to get rid of that feeling.
- Maybe I will never have the answer.
With that said, their meeting fell into silence. She wanted to say something, but the lifeless expression of his scared her. It was as if only one word could shatter him to pieces.
And that was also the last word he said to her. Of course she could never figure out what happened that day. She could only accept the fact that the one she liked didn’t like her back, end of the story, for her.
But for him, it meant more than that.
-------------
- I cannot accept any positive feelings toward myself. It’s simple like that.
He said with his normal blank expression, while sipping from his tea cup.
- How is that simple?
The one sitting in front of him leans back to their chair.
- It’s like, when you digest something which is not supposed to be digested, your body will react with some kinds of elimination mechanism, to force it out or to remove it. Like a bad case of food allergic. Either way, your body will not accept it.
- So what’d happen if you tried to digest it?
- I don’t know.
He puts his cup down, his soulless eyes fixing at a distant spot.
- You haven’t tried it yet, have you? I bet it must be hard.
You know nothing, he thought, rest his face on his palm.
It’s not the matter of hard or not.
It’s the matter of impossibility.
Like how a person suffer from anaphylactic shock from being stung by the bee.
He, too, will experience insufferable pain to his soul.
- Have you ever been wondering, about your nature?
He asks, not looking at the person he is talking to.
- Me? Hahaha why should I do that?
A pure laugh come from that person, which confuses him.
- You see, haha, I am who I am, and that’s more than enough for me. But seriously, you surprised me at that part, “nature”? Hahaha.
- What’s so funny about that?
He leers at the person.
- Not at all, it’s just....tickling me, that’s all...
After a few more laughs, the person sits back:
- You’re right, I can never understand what is going on inside your head, but still, I will never give up on finding out. You have my words on that.
Those words reach him or not, that person doesn’t know, but at least he shows some signs of interest.
- Sure, you’re welcome to try. But don’t put any hopes up.
He puts on his coat, the night’s wind starts to blow strongly. They are about to leave.
- Hah, I know too well where to place my bet on. And you, my man, are an interesting case.
- Is that so?
They leave the table, start walking down the street.
- What are you doing?
He asks, looking at his arm now clung by that person
- It’s cold, and I need a heat source. Besides, I forgot my cane at home.
The person giggles while pressing their body to his. He doesn’t show any signs of rejection as well as acceptance. He’s like a living doll.
- Then how did you get here?
- It’s my secret power?
- You know what I mean.
- About that, I leave it to your imagination.
He leads the person to the bus stop, as the bus arrives just in time. The door opened, then the person steps away from him and slowly gets on the bus. The bus driver looks at the person’s strange behavior and quickly realizes the problem. But the person manages their way to a sit. It is the last passenger of the day, and the driver is lighting his cigarette, letting the couple have their time.
- You should go home now, sorry to call you out this late. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.
- I’m not worried, I’m just curious about how you know which bus to get on.
- Didn’t I told you? I have a secret power.
With that, the bus’ door closes and they part way. He turns his back and starts walking home. Behind him, from the bus’s windows, the person turns their head back as if watching him until his figure disappeared at the corner of the street.
- Errr miss? Which station do you get off?
- It’s alright, just go on your course, I’ll get off at my stop.
The person said.
- But you can’t, umm, I mean...
The driver hesitates to speak what he thinks might be rude.
- It’s fine mister, I’ll let you know when we arrive.
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